Diabetes Blog Week 2014 - What Brings Me Down Wednesday

May is Mental Health Month so now seems like a great time to explore the emotional side of living with, or caring for someone with, diabetes. What things can make dealing with diabetes an emotional issue for you and / or your loved one, and how do you cope? (Thanks go out to Scott of Strangely Diabetic for coordinating this topic.)

Click for the What Brings Me Down - Wednesday 5/14 Link List.

I could write a book on this topic. It would be my topic of choice if I did write a book about D, something which I would seriously consider in the future. 
There is so much to come to terms with when you have T1D. It's overwhelming. The testing, injecting, the carb counting, the supplies, what to carry with you from now on, the testing, the injections etc. Diabetes can be less of a medical condition and more of a constant freaking annoyance. Those things I mentioned are really just the practical side of it. What is it about these things that turn Diabetes into an emotional waterfall as well? I think it's the idea of living with a chronic medical condition. Knowing, and getting used to the fact that this is your forever. There's also something about knowing that everything you do may possibly impact your Diabetes Management. Want to exercise? Have sex? Relax? Have more sex? Yea, they all can affect your Diabetes in some way. OR. They could not. It could be that some of the things you do, don't actually change anything. It could also be that the one piece of exercise you do on Monday, can have a completely different impact when you do it on Tuesday.

I could go on and on. It's relentless. Sometimes you can figure it out. Sometimes you know that you've incorrectly counted the carbs in a meal. Sometimes you don't. Sometimes no matter how much investigation you do you'll never know why you have that wacko blood sugar. Just writing this blog post has made me tired. Living with it is even more tiring. 

There's also those wondrous times when the physical impact of Diabetes can cross over into the emotional impacts - those high or low blood sugars that make you snap, cry, yell. The emotional side of Diabetes is very very very real. But why? For me, I've swung between depression, acceptance, a fierce need for independence, a recognition I need help. I'm fiercely independent. There was a time sometime after starting University when I discovered that if I didn't tell people about my Diabetes I wouldn't get all those over the top worry warts all of the time. So I stopped sharing with people. And then it got to be an obsession, going so far out of my way to hide it from people that it was ridiculous. Going to my bedroom in my very own home to test my blood sugar or inject because I didn't feel comfortable doing it in front of my flatmates. 

It wasn't a healthy, emotionally stable way to live. What changed? I did for one, my work load got lighter and I really wanted to tighten up my management. So, I started seeing my CDE at the local hospital and we worked on the puzzle of my Diabetes Management. I did some googling and found the DOC. There's definitely a causation between my better controlled blood sugar levels and my discovery of the online community. But I think I was ready to take a leap and change my mind set. 

Diabetes will always be relentless but it is a part of me, not some medical condition I have on the side. Once I accepted that it paved the way for better things. 

Reflections on the last few months

In some ways I feel like I've got a bit of the old "Diabetes Burn Out" going on. In other ways I know I don't. I'm still taking ten times better care of myself than I was 4 years ago. I'm testing 4-8 times a day, correcting, carb counting, injecting. I'm doing everything I need to.

For me, this feeling of Burnout, of hitting a wall, of smacking my head against said wall stems from trying as hard as possible with my Diabetes management and not getting better results. Cate says I need to stop beating myself up about it. But it's so damn hard. I've really struggled with my feelings. I've struggling to let myself be okay with numbers between 6 and 12 mmol/l (108 and 216 mg/dl). But that's what my body needs right now in order to get back my awareness of low blood sugars,

After the week long trial of the CGM, I was supposed to take diet records for the following week and send them to Cate. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I'd literally recorded every thing I ate for the previous 20 days and to write everything down again was not something I could face. So I didn't. It felt really great. I was still testing and taking the right amount of insulin. Just the fact of not having to sit down and type it all up into a record sheet made me feel so free and liberated! I think it was my mini "Take that" to Diabetes. The holiday from diet records was one thing I could do that would allow me some of my sanity back without compromising my health.

Looking back on the last 1.5 months since I did the CGM trial I could see in myself a change of mindset with my Diabetes management. I no longer feel hope when I leave appointments with my Diabetes Educator. I've talked about this before, that I used to feel hopeful and inspired that we were together on this Diabetic Jigsaw Puzzle. I used to feel that we were chipping away at it and that things were getting better. I'm sensing she's feeling a bit confused at what to do with me. She took one look at my most recent records from last week and said "Well, we're not winning here are we?" I think she also said exactly what I needed to hear. That I needed to stop beating myself up about it, stop blaming myself for my levels because I am doing everything I should be doing. There's a small part of me, hidden in a back corner of my mind that says I still need to work harder but I think it's okay to have that there. You always need to push yourself.

Our latest development in terms of my management is to take my novorapid at least 15 minutes before eating, not correcting until 3 hours after breakfast novorapid and exercising 40-60 minutes a day. The first two are to target some after breakfast/before lunch blood sugars I've been having. The last is a given and something I've been told for years but I was basically told what I'm currently doing isn't enough. It has inspired me to start a sticker chart and put a sticker on the days where I do more than 40 minutes of exercise. So far for August I have 3 stickers in 4 days so I reckon that's a good go of it.

I think I've wallowed in my own self pity for long enough, I need to change my mindset. Exercising more is bound to help but I need to get that hope and drive back. I think wanting it is a start.

Fingers crossed anyhow.


S

Travels and Levels

Anddddd I'm back! At least for this post anyway. The past few months flew by and I found myself struggling to write on this blog. I'm not sure why. I love writing, I feel it's therapeutic for me. It's a way to get the mess of jumbled thoughts in my head out in a clear coherent manner. I'm currently in Fort Lauderdale, Florida after a fabulous 5.5 week holiday of the East Coast with my other half. After a short flight to Sydney, I stayed there for a night then flew 13 hours from Sydney to LAX. From LAX I flew another 4 hours to Chicago and met my wonderful, amazing, beautiful boyfriend who I hadn't seen in 5 months. I felt so happy and extremely exhausted by the time I saw him. Not gonna lie, there were tears. The long distance was worth it.

We spent a couple of days in Chicago then flew to New York and got lost amongst the high rise buildings. One crazy night was spent drinking Guinness and way too much beer at a German Oktoberfest style bar. From New York we picked up a campervan and travelled up to Boston, then all the way to Florida.

It's been fantastic and very tiring. The thing I don't enjoy about travelling is the stress of it all, I find it really gets to me and my sugars. Before I left NZ I was waking up with blood sugars of 11-13mmol/l. I tried to correct but I didn't want to get too crazy with upping my lantus or putting in a novorapid dose that would send my plunging into hypo level obscurity. Instead, I waited it out and injected correction doses with most meals.

In a surprising wonderful fashion my levels have been better than when I left NZ. I'm not finding anywhere near as many double digits as before. I'm looking forward to my next A1c, which I'm due for in about 2 - 3 weeks. Before I left it was 72 (or 8.7 % ) so I am really hoping it's down at least half a percent. I think the reason for my lower levels has been the increased activity, even the general walking around from sightseeing. I actually even went for a couple of runs! Exciting. Though, anyone who has been through NZ Customs will know I'm not looking forward to going through with my trail shoes. I'm planning on sorting out some sort of exercise regime when I get back to NZ and following through with it.

My levels seem to be a constant struggle for me but I'm happy because they're heading in the right direction.

The thing about Diabetes is that it is always there in the back of my head. Feeling better about my levels seems to help me feel better about who I am so I can only hope this sense of self ease continues. Stay tuned.

14 Days of Healthy Eating

I've decided I'm going to do a healthy eating bonanza for 14 days starting the 4th of February. 

I like to think I eat a pretty healthy diet and my recent cholesterol levels indicate that. But I've never been strict on myself for it. So I decided that I would try something new, a focused 14 day healthy eating plan. SHONELLE STYLE!

I forsee a balance of strictness and going with the flow. Anyone that knows me personally knows I can be a bit of dreamer/loose unit sometimes. I've posted before about my inability to committ to something so I've decided to start small and do it my own way. I also believe in keeping realistic and measurable goals. Does my 14 day eating plan mean I can't eat takeaways or drink fizzy drink? Heck no. What I am going to focus on is including more vegetables, protein, healthy fats, whole grains and low GI foods. The strict part about my 14 day healthy eating bonanza is the documentation and preparation. Anyone who has done a diet record before know they are about as much fun as standing in a never ending super market queue. I'm determined to have 14 days of diet records out of this 2 week bonanza. There's always a heap of documentation for my diet records. They include the food I've eaten, the carb counts for said food, my insulin to carb doses, my insulin correction rates doses and the exercise I've done. Oh and blood sugar levels.

The preparation side of my 14 day bonanza is a focus on preparing lunches and snacks so I don't get caught in the trap of purchasing food from near my work. I'm going to spend the rest of today and Sunday researching food recipes, shopping for food and preparing it so I can have two weeks filled with tasty snacks and lunches. So food wise, I'm going to focus on healthier options but not to a point where it's unrealistic for me. So for me, the strictness of a 14 day healthy eating bonanza is not about the food I'm eating but making sure I'm documenting it and preparing it in advance.

I'm also going to prepare an exercise plan but I'm going to start small. I do a fair amount of light exercise a week as I usually walk to and from work every day (about 50 mins a day). So I'm going to focus on getting some cardio and resistance training in.And then I'll finish my 14 day bonanza by doing a 12km walk over in Central Otago. 

What's going to keep me going?

In reality I have just one goal out of all of this. Dropping my HbA1c at the end of the month. It's currently sitting at 77 (9.2) at the moment. I am going to do this.

Other things that keep me going are:

- Knowing I have two hospital appointments at the end of the month. One with my dietician and the other with my Certified Nurse Educator. To make the most out of them I'm going to need records to show them!

- I'm going to do a 12km walk in Central Otago, originally I was going to train and run it but it soon became one of those things I had an inability to commit to.

- The prepration side of this will help me to save money, which is especially important as I'm saving money to go on a trip to the States at the end of April.

- I'm going to tell 2 of the people closest to me about this who I hope will motivate me. My amazing best friend and my amazing boyfriend.

- I'm going to blog about it. I know my blog doesn't have the biggest reader ship but I do know that the view count does rise! Knowing there are others out there reading this makes me feel good and motivates me to keep going :)

- Because I'm doing this for the right reasons, not as a quick fix weight loss plan (though that would be nice!) but as way to focus on healthy eating, exercise, emotions as attitudes. My previous post showed a glimpse of some emotional struggling, I want to use healthy eating as a way to feel good in my body and soul.

I'm pretty excited about all of this.

Please feel free to comment on advice, recipe ideas (especially lunch ones!) and anything else motivating, happy and optimistic.

Shonelle xx