Friday, 29 November 2013

When you're diabetic you don't think this way

When I saw a giant 3MMOL/L jump up on my meter my heart stopped

I looked at my pump and saw I had numerous of units on board.. My brain and heart went to thinking about how much glucose to take, where my nearest source was. How many carbs to eat to compensate for what was in my body. Where these carbs were, what I could eat. 

But then for a moment, I caught a glimpse of a thought, of a consideration, that if I wasn't diabetic, I wouldn't have to think this way. It was more than the usual "Oh, not this again" - and not because I put myself in a situation regularly, but because.. it happens. 

I had that thought. The one I know "we" have. The one I don't like to think about. 

There are others around me that don't have to think about all these things stated above. And I wish. I wish it were me.

And then I remember. A part of me loves being diabetic. The part that I'm not ready to accept yet, the part that hopes I will be ready to accept it in the future. I'm ten years in. I wish it wasn't so but it is. Thinking, wishing, wanting, waiting for a cure isn't going to help me. It's not a thought train I jump on often. But sometimes, I find myself thinking about life for others that doesn't include diabetes. And I can't help feeling jealous. I don't think it's jealosly of day to day life. It's jealously that they don't have to deal with near death situations of low blood sugars in their own lives.